Time to Adjust
My chiropractor’s office is one of my favorite places to be. Seriously, I adore every person who works there, and happily slow down to talk to all of them. Dr. Hodnett has done far more for my own healing, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, than any other doctor has, and I trust him implicitly. He is intuitive in knowing what areas of my body need adjusting, in understanding the importance of alignment. You see, it is not just about popping necks and backs, he truly desires to see all people healed and walking in freedom and wholeness. Dr. Hodnett has been given a gift of healing, and it comes through chiropractic care.
Much like Dr. Hodnett works to align my physical body, we often need to adjust our own expectations. As I have thought (way too much) about disappointment, I am surer of the fact disappointment really stems from unmet expectations. I expected things to work out a certain way, yet the situation went in the opposite direction. And in walked disappointment. Here’s my simple equation.
Unmet expectation = disappointment
It’s no quadratic equation, but it sure does make sense.
Think about a recent disappointment in your own life. Now, what was the outcome you were wanting from that situation? What did you expect to happen? What did happen? Your expectation and reality did not align did they? And now you are face to face with disappointment and wondering where to go next.
While my body has a skilled doctor to keep it in alignment, how do we adjust our expectations without lowering our standards? And, will adjusting our expectations after the fact make a difference? So many questions, friends! Let’s keep talking about it and see what we can come up with. But, since this is a book and not a face to face conversation, I’ll keep writing, you keep reading, and maybe we will come closer to figuring this thing out.
I turned to Psychology Today for some help. What I found was five steps for releasing our expectations. They were:
1. Empty your cup: Emptying our cup, we release our expectation and our sense of "knowing" allowing us to see what it is directly in front of us. This sensibility helps us remove our tendency to interject our ego into a situation, and also deflects our tendency to interject control.
2. Seeing with a child's eyes: In seeing with a child's eyes, every situation will always appear new to us. If every situation is new, then, by definition, we can hold no expectation. We don't "know" what's going to happen; we can only wait and see.
3. Be present: We hear this all the time, but, in this context if we harbor an expectation, then we are not connected to what's happening around us. Being present connects us to our experience in such a way that we don't end up interfering with ourselves or getting in our own way.
4. Check your premise: Checking your premise means taking a hard look at whether or not what you believe actually matches with reality. Taking a step back from a consistently disappointing experience and looking at whether or not we're starting from a realistic place will help us adjust our perspective in such a way so as to more accurately match reality and get a potentially different outcome.
5. Discard your fixed fantasies: Many times, the people whom we encounter in our lives tell us stories and we fervently cling to them.
Using my own situation, I am going to use hindsight in how these steps could have helped. If I had gone in with an empty cup, and maintained that mentality, I would have never built up hope in a change of position within the company. Regardless of what was being said, had I not become focused on the possibility, but focused on the job I had been hired to do, I wouldn’t have “filled my cup” with ideas and plans when given a different position (and probably would not have created a shopping list on Amazon for things I would need).
How could I have seen with a child’s eyes? I could have viewed each day as a new opportunity, filled with possibilities. If I were to view the situation through a child’s eyes, I would have sought the fun in what I was doing rather than wishing I was doing something else.
Being present, we know we should, and yet we (okay, I) struggle with this. What would being present have looked like? Rather than ruminating on what work would be like once my position changed, I would have been focused on what I was doing each day. I would have sought out the fun and enjoyment in what I was doing, not in what I hoped to be doing. Also, I would have stopped talking about, and by talking about I mean complaining about, what had not happened.
Step four, check your premise. Oh boy, this would have been helpful. While I was being told, and led to believe I would be stepping into a different position, the reality was many factors would play into that change. Mainly, the powers that be would have to decide the position was needed and necessary. Reality, had I paid attention, would have revealed the process would not be simple. Had I checked my premise, I would have understood the institution better, and been aware of the fact changes do not always happen as those involved would like.
Okay, final step, discard fixed fantasies. Oh boy, this would have been helpful. I clung very tightly to the stories I was being told. Then, the story suddenly changed, and I felt blindsided. Had I released those stories, I would have thought, “How nice of them, that would be nice, but this is where I am now.” As it was, my thought was, “Sweet, can’t wait for this change to happen. Let’s get everything organized so I can be ready.”
As I typed those out, I see my responsibility in the disappointment I faced. I chose to take passing comments and run with them. I did not slow down long enough to question how clinging to the expectation of what may or may not happen was effecting me, the work I was doing, or those I worked with. Ouch. I don’t like this chapter anymore. Let’s move on.
No, we cannot avoid a little toe stepping truth. This helps not only realign my expectations, but also shifts my perspective. I want to remember to utilize these steps in the future, not because I think I will completely avoid disappointment this way, but it will certainly alter how I cope with disappointment. Maybe following these steps will minimize disappointment. Let’s agree to use them, as best we can, and see what happens. I think we can do that, and we will be better for it. Let me know how you do, okay? I’m cheering for you, friend.